Why (The Core)
This is your gut feeling, your purpose, your reason for existing. It's not about making money or getting ahead - that's just the result. Your why is deeper. Maybe it's "I want my kids to know they can overcome anything" or "I believe hard work and integrity still matter" or "I want to show other men it's okay to struggle and still be strong."
At the start of 2025, I was doing well. My trucking business was growing; It was something I truly enjoyed, I was good at it, and it was very profitable. But, in May of that year, my doctor informed me that I had Stage 4 Prostate Cancer. That threw me for a loop. I am a healthy guy. I have completed over 20 full marathons around the world, completed two back packing hikes of over 500 miles each and even competed in a body building competition in 2011.
But the reality is, I started to let my health slip when I made making money and a successful business take too much of a priority in my life. Instead of taking the normal breaks, eating right and exercising, I would take an extra load, eat fast food and skip the exercise to add more dollars to my bank account.
That took a toll on my health.
The past year has been a struggle. After the doctor’s report of cancer in May, I had some initial success. In June and July, my PSA number was going down and I was feeling great. In fact, I was feeling better than I had in years. It was like I was in my 30’s again.
But, instead of heeding my doctors’ advice by resting more and working less, I took that initial success in June and July as I can keep going strong. So, I did not rest and I kept up the same pace as before. That all stopped at the end of August. That was when I really started to experience the effects of the cancer in my body.
I was in more pain, and my right leg began to swell like a balloon. I continued to “work through it” but I simply got worse. Then in December, I was completely couch bound and did not leave the house. I kept getting worse until I finally, I had an ambulance pick me up and go to emergency on January 19, 2026. I was told that I had “only hours to live.” Three of my four children and their families flew in immediately from Los Angeles, Denver and New York City.
To make a long story short, I did not die. I am still breathing and although not even close to back to normal, I have made significant strides and am improving every day.
I am not working. I still can’t walk very well on my own, but I am out of bed, (which I couldn’t do in January). I am out of the wheelchair, (which I couldn’t do in February). I don’t need crutches all the time (like I did in March).
I believe, that in time, I will make a full and complete recovery.
In fact, I think I would be fine now if it weren’t for this cancer. I think I will be healed completely but, in the meantime, what am I to learn because of this cancer journey?
It has truly messed with my mind. Not only the disease, but the drugs I’m taking as well. Hormones, pain killers, blood thinners, etc. All mess with my body chemistry and that, along with the disease itself, has me thinking some crazy thoughts. Thoughts of despair, hopelessness and even fatalistic outcomes. Honestly, sometimes, it scares me.
For people that know me, that mindset is unrecognizable. I am generally an optimistic and encouraging guy to be around. Even when the chips are down. I’m a “roll up your sleeves” and “get ‘r done” kind of guy. I see a challenge and I say, “Great! Let’s take care of it better than anyone else can.”
But this is different. I was not prepared for this. I was ill-equipped for this kind of suffering and pain. Not just the physical, the mental as well.
What am I to do? What am I to think when God’s hand of favor has become a fist of adversity? When it feels like my walk with Him has become a crawl?
I am reminded of the prophet Jeremiah and his condition.
Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness.
20Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me. 21This I recall to my mind; therefore, I have hope. The LORD’S loving kindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. 23They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. 24 “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” Lamentations 3:19-24
His outward affliction (v.19a) and inward turmoil (v.19b) pushed him toward despair (“my soul is bowed down”, v.20). Can you relate? I sure can.
However, one thought (this I call to mind v.21) crowded out the hopelessness that threatened to overwhelm him: Because of the LORD’S great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.
He was down, but not out. We know that God was allowing him (and me) to experience a trial. Why? Who knows? We can guess and speculate. Was it due to sin, or some other reason? No one can truly know the mind of God (that was the lesson Job had to learn). But it is always good to take an assessment of your life to see if in fact there is any sin or issue that needs to be addressed. Sometimes there is, it’s obvious.
For example, maybe you hold a resentful and unforgiving spirit toward someone that hurt you. A lustful and divided spirit toward the opposite sex. An illegitimate focus of wealth and success. Those are obvious.
But others are harder to spot. Things like, did I love enough, did I work hard enough, did I give enough? Those are judgment calls based on faith and only you and God can know.
But then there is the suffering that comes because of you doing nothing wrong.
The fact of the matter is, God is God and He can do as He pleases. Those are the situations that men like Job, Joseph and Jesus found themselves in. There was no sin involved. For whatever reason, it was God who saw fit for them go through pain and suffering.
He did not reject them. They were still “His guys” even though He allowed the suffering to take place.
The word is “great love” or “loving kindness”, which has the idea of loyal love, or lasting love like a father has for a child. God sticks by the people He choses. The question is, “Did Jeremiah (did I) push God so far that He would finally abandon him forever?”
In other words, was God’s supply of fatherly love and compassion limited? Jeremiah’s answer was “no.” God’s “loving-kindnesses” are
new every morning
and His compassions never fail.
God offered a fresh supply of fatherly love every day to His faithful people. Much like the manna in the wilderness to the Israelites, the supply could not be exhausted. This truth caused Jeremiah to call out in praise, “Great is Your faithfulness!” He was taken back by the limitless supply of God’s grace offered to him. Because of this understanding and remembering (“this I recall to my mind”), Jeremiah resolved to wait for God to act, bringing about restoration and blessing, in His time and in His way. He would trust God despite his circumstances because he was reminded that He is the only place for truth and life eternal.
Like the disciples when Jesus gave some hard teaching, many turned away and went their own way.
As a result of this many of His disciples withdrew and were not walking with Him anymore. 67So Jesus said to the twelve, “You do not want to go away also, do you?” 68Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life. 69We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God.”
John 6:66-69
My response is; “Do what you want with me God. I am not going anywhere. I am still you guy.”
What is your response?
